April 2005

Anger is a powerful, perfectly normal emotion. There are many myths regarding this energy and unfortunately the myths keep us blinded to the positive aspect of this emotion.

You must know some of the myths.....If God is love and anger are the opposite, and then if I get angry it is a sin. If a person does not look or sound angry, then they don't feel angry. How about this one? If you express anger in a relationship, you will destroy the relationship. Anger leads to violence therefore anger is wrong/bad/not acceptable. Or, nice people never get angry. These statements are untrue.

The truth is that anger is never right or wrong, good or bad. It is only a feeling and as such has no value. Anger is only a part of a full range of emotions. All emotions are gifts from God. What we do with anger can be harmful or helpful and that is why it is important to know about this powerful emotion.

Feeling angry is a signal to the self that says, "Something is hurting me......something is wrong here". It is a warning that a change of some kind needs to be made. When we ignore the signal (stuffing) or express it inappropriately (exploding) it can hurt us and other.

Unfortunately, we often learn only these two ways to deal with our angry feelings. Sometimes people also learn to "stuff" and then "explode" in a way that will manipulate others. Many people learn how to deal with this strong emotion as children and are not taught appropriate methods to deal with frustration, hurt, and all the other emotions that are often labeled as negative, in a healthy manner.

Stuffing feelings becomes a habit. Children are often taught to be seen and not heard. My mother cautioned me that only "dogs get mad". Therefore, if someone felt angry, they were animal-like. It was a powerful admonition. If one is very diligent at stuffing, it is possible to completely numb out and be unaware of the emotion that resides within. Stuffers act out their anger in passive- aggressive behaviors. This is a deadly weapon in relationships. They are usually not even aware of how they are damaging themselves and others.

Exploding can also be habitual. This behavior is what leads to violent actions. Even the person who becomes proficient in exploding knows when to cap the volcano, damage has been done. This individual explodes in order to manipulate or control a person or situation. Exploding can also be a defense mechanism used to protect one's self from feelings such as fear.

Dealing with the many issues that may elicit strong reactions and angry feelings need not be an aversive experience. Understanding what is really happening, expressing your feelings appropriately, negotiating and calibrating in order to deal with what is at hand are most important in dealing with anger. Avoiding the issue, sulking, making accusations, resorting to insults........these cause damage.

Assertive behavior is called for in a situation of conflict. When a discussion is beginning to escalate, take a time out. Be sure to set a time aside to complete the discussion. Know your thoughts, feelings, and what you would like to be the outcome. This plan of action is more likely to bring a positive outcome and change in the issue of contention.

There are many good self help books on the market about dealing with angry feelings. We never have to act on our feelings, but it is vital that they be acknowledged, owned, and expressed positively. If not, they go underground and spring up at the most unlikely and in a most unwelcome fashion.

It is said that we live in an angry world. It is more like that we live in a world where we have not learned to deal with strong emotion in a healthy way. God gave us a full range of emotion, including anger, to have life to the fullest.

We can use anger positively when we make unacceptable situations acceptable. One Jewish woman, angry about the holocaust, used those powerful feelings to be an advocate for abused children. If we cannot learn to deal with anger in a positive way, how can we hope to bring peace to our families or indeed, to the world?


Patricia G. Medeiros, MS, MFT