August 2004

CODEPENDENT is a widely used catch word among both the professional therapeutic arena and the general public. Peruse the self help shelves of any local bookstore, Christian or secular. Twelve step groups meet every day and evening of the week in all parts of the city, any city, and are focused upon recovery from this disease of being CODEPENDENT.

THERESE'S STORY IS NOT UNUSUAL. Therese was raised to be very dependent. To onlookers she was the perfect child. Close to her mother, Therese did not make decisions without consulting her. Mother always knew best and Therese did not question mother. At a very early age, Therese learned to sit quietly and play. By nature she was compliant, but in addition to her natural bent for compliance, she learned not to question and not to be curious.

It was her mother's way to scold severely any curiosity that was displayed by Therese. When she did ordinary childish things, she was "spoken" to in a way that was harsh and meant to shame. Therese was never physically abused by her mother, but she was made to feel small. She was never allowed to make choices or to think for herself. Her mother was not a bad woman; she was misguided in the way to help a child grow strong and independent. In her effort to feel loved, Therese became her mother's shadow.

As time went on, Therese became so dependent on her mother that when she was of an age to date, she did not know how to choose a suitable companion. She married a man who was controlling, alcoholic, and verbally abusive. Therese not only felt small, she began to fade. There was little of her own real true self left by the time the marriage ultimately failed. She had spent many years being codependent in the alcoholic marriage.

WHAT ARE THE SIGNS OF CODEPENDENCY? How do I know if I am codependent? What are the symptoms and how does this disease affect me? The first symptom is one which may keep you from knowing the truth about your behavior, DENIAL. One may deny important parts of their own history or present reality. Many couples pretend that they are close in spite of feeling empty and distant. Then there are compulsive behaviors and addictions. We immediately think of alcohol, but there are many addictions from sex to church. Individuals bring these addictions to their relationships, where they use problems to justify their addictive behavior. Poor self-esteem is usually evident. Boundary and responsibility issues abound. Partners or parents feel each other's feelings, read each other's minds and try to control each other's behaviors. There are usually problems with intimacy, either fused or distant. There are many stereotypes in these relationships. Depression and/or anxiety are usually present. Feelings of isolation and worry about what another is feeling or thinking abound. Stress related illnesses occur when one is so needy. Such illness is often the only way to get nurtured.

WHAT CAUSES A PERSON TO DEVELOP A CODEPENDENT PERSONA? A codependent person grows up in an environment of abuse, physical, sexual, emotional, or spiritual. They live in an atmosphere that does not allow trust to develop. Codependents are taught to question their own thoughts and feelings as well as their parents love. They are treated disrespectfully, with sarcasm or belittling. They are controlled and not allowed to make their own decisions. They are made to guess what their parents and others are feeling. Unpredictable, inconsistent behavior causes them to learn to "walk on eggshells." Parents that are compulsive or addicted to something act as role models. They become dependent emotionally, financially or otherwise. Codependents are shamed so that they feel bad about themselves and become hungry for attention. No one is emotionally available for them.

CODEPENDENT BEHAVIOR CAN BE HEALED. Codependency is a learned behavior and anything learned can be relearned correctly. The first step is to become aware; give up the denial. This does not mean placing blame on mother or father. It means becoming responsible for my own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Looking at myself clearly. Dealing with addictions, boundary issues, self-esteem and intimacy takes time, effort, prayer and often therapy. Better than recovery is prevention. That too takes time, effort, sometimes therapy and often much prayer. It is necessary to know your feelings, express them appropriately, accept the self and others. Learn to set boundaries, take responsibility for your own self and communicate with others in love and respect.

THERESE WAS HEALED. Therese worked very diligently to become her best self. It took a very long time to reverse her habit of dependency. She had to learn to set boundaries with her ex-husband and with her own children. She had to accept the truth about herself, no matter how beautiful it was. Learning to trust her own thoughts and decisions was paramount for her. Identifying and expressing her feelings was new and difficult at first, but she persevered. In the end, Therese became her own person. That was a gift from God who created us each so uniquely. His desire is that we become fully human, fully alive and be the best me that I can be.


Patricia G. Medeiros, MS, MFT