June 2003

We welcome the summer with hope and joy as life takes a turn toward vacation. In the spring, new leaves peeked out from the dreary winter landscape. There seemed to be an energy that pulsated with a regenerative spirit. Even little creatures scurried about because they knew that springtime is a special time of year. Most of life had been dormant and winter reigned. But now summer makes her grand appearance--warm, sultry, almost regal. Life in full bloom.

In many relationships we begin with the springtime of love. We even have a saying that in the springtime a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love. Then we live in the summer of the honeymoon for a time, enter into the autumn of predictability, and find ourselves in a winter of discontent, monotony or simply a time devoid of life-giving energy.

A marital relationship is rather like a garden that needs to be cultivated from time to time. It needs to be tilled, fertilized, planted, watered, weeded and cared for. Springtime is the right time to reestablish a healthy, growing, fruitful garden. Any time, even the long, lazy days of summer, is the right time to reestablish a life-giving marital garden.

When two people fall in love and decide to begin their garden they are usually filled with great hope, positive feelings and many expectations that their lives and their love will flourish. They accept each other without question and feel a warm pink glow. As the glow subsides, they begin to view the weeds of spousal weaknesses springing up to annoy and irritate. What often happens at this stage is that each attempts, in their own way, to remove the other's weeds and remake the garden according to some unspecified plan of their own.

At this time the partners begin to build walls in their garden. Bliss may be obtained for a time but eventually weeds start to grow, slowly at first. Then they each begin to put up fences to protect their little corner of the cultivation. The fences become walls and the walls grow higher and stronger as more weaknesses and problems spring up, until there is a barrier dividing the garden. This division enables feelings to harden into resentments. Eventually the partners give up. The weeds take over the garden. Winter sets in and they may begin to establish separate emotional lives. Stagnation occurs and since the garden is not being cared for, pests enter to ravage and destroy. Since the garden is not being cared for and is now unprotected from the outside, the relationship is vulnerable to attack.

There is a better way to take care of this garden that you each promised to nurture. The blocks that have been used to build the dividing wall can be used to build pathways. The bricks can be used to build a protective barrier to ensure the safety of the garden from outside threats. The fertilizer of emotional pain, unmet needs, disappointment and unrealistic expectations can be treated and used as an agent to promote growth, to give life.

How is it possible to reestablish the marriage relationship into a healthy garden? First, there must be a time to dig deeply into the richness of the ground. It takes time to uncover the stresses, the disappointments, the hurts, and the pain of the years together. It takes courage to talk about those issues and to take responsibility for your own behavior. It takes strength to own that behavior and to avoid placing blame. It is not enough to identify the other person's weeds. One must be willing and able to recognize, name and remove one's own weeds. Just as it is often necessary to call in a gardener, sometimes it is essential to employ an objective person to help you reach the roots of marriage problems.

Secondly, there must be a desire to have a garden resplendent with the abundance of love that God has given to nature so freely. When one works diligently in the garden, giving it proper nutrients and care, the result can be breathtaking. So there must be a willingness to be attentive to your spouse and to the relationship. Most couples spend less than five minutes a day being attentive to each other. A garden needs the right amount of water and sun. Couples need a balanced life, too. They need time together--time to work and rest, time to laugh and play. The rocks need to be cleared out, not thrown at each other. Sometimes they are just pebbles, but there must be care taken to rid the garden of them and not to use them for the ammunition that causes destruction.

A good relationship, just as a cared-for garden, has appropriate boundaries. Respect each other's time and space. Boundaries that are too rigid are much like a wall down the middle of the garden. Rigid boundaries inhibit intimacy. Boundaries that are too loose cause the plants to get tangled up and to lose their individuality and identity. A healthy relationship has flexible boundaries that allow each person to be accepted and loved just the way they are. These flexible boundaries encourage growth while at the same time offering protection.

The cutworms in the garden are conflict and angry confrontation. It is relatively impossible for two people to live together in perfect harmony all of the time, if they are being real with each other. That is because we are all less than perfect, if you haven't noticed. So, in this marital garden you need a method to dig up the worms and to deal with them. It is not enough to confront the other; you need always to confront yourself too. Talk it out…conflict can be dealt with in a healthy way. You need to use your tools to deal with issues that are volatile. Those tools are the ability to talk and listen together and to collaborate on ways to solve problems; gently, but diligently, trying solutions until the good worms aerate the soil and produce growth.

Communication is the source of nourishment for your garden. Sharing your feelings, listening to your spouse, being present to one another--these are essential nutrients. Good communication is one of the most constructive elements in a thriving relationship. Spouses need to really listen to each other and to create a safe environment for each other so that feelings can be shared and valued. When feelings are valued, not fixed or discounted but listened to, then the person is valued and your garden can begin to bloom. Talking from your heart with openness to your mate brings you closer. Intimacy springs forth in open communication when spouses value each other. Plants grow better when you talk to them. So do people.

Plants in the garden need the tender loving touch of the gardener. So too, people flourish in a relationship where there is the touch of a loving spouse. There is a language that begins before words--that is the language of touch. We see it in the gentleness of the mother with a newborn child. In fact, a child will wither and die without touch. The gentle language of touch can communicate a world of wonder, the wonder of love. Be gentle with each other in word and touch. (Here's a little gardening secret: the more he talks and listens, the more she will touch; the more she touches, the more he will talk and listen.)

So, don't let the summer pass you by. While nature is in full bloom, recultivate your very own garden. Give each other time and space. Communicate with word and touch. Pull out your own weeds, throw out the rocks, dig up the worms, build pathways, plant new dreams. With this kind of care your plants can be well rooted in love and will bear wonderful fruit. May you live in the full bloom of summer all the days of your lives and may this be the beginning of a second season of bliss.


Patricia G. Medeiros, MS, MFT