April 2003

Now that the Easter Season is here, many of us become more serious about our relationship with the Father and with each other. Traditionally, the Easter season is a time of metanoia--a turning around, a change of mind that results in a new way of being in the world, a self-change. Developing an attitude of forgiveness can be just such a metanoia, a foundation upon which one becomes a new creation and is then able to build a more stable life.

Forgiveness, the act of forgiving self and others, has been a major focus of study in the fields of philosophy and theology. Forgiveness is also pertinent to the study of psychology and, in my counseling experience, it is the cornerstone of healing. In fact, forgiveness is fundamental to the coming to terms with the world in which we live--a world where people, despite their good intentions, are unfair to each other and themselves and do violence by hurting each other overtly and covertly. Forgiveness is really the only answer to healing past hurt. All too often clients resist the thought that they must forgive even the most painful of injuries. It is holding on to the resentment, anger or guilt that causes the trauma to have power in one's life.

It is in this human condition that we wound each other deeply. The painful past hurts that are lodged in the memory affect the present and threaten future relationships. Therefore, it is essential to mental health, to physical health and to relationships that we develop an attitude of forgiveness. Emotions and attitudes are important aspects of our being. They affect the way we perceive the world around us. They are the means by which we experience ourselves and each other.

What is an attitude of forgiveness? It is an attitude of love that generates a feeling of freedom. It is not forgetting. It is not tolerance. Many offenses can be forgiven but not tolerated. Many spouses tolerate but do not forgive each other. You can see this in action when husbands and wives argue and one or the other brings out the "kitchen sink." They bring up every irritation or offense ever perpetrated in the relationship even if it was twenty years ago. Many parents and children tolerate but do not forgive each other. One of the things that families need to learn is that it's over when it's over, especially with children. Hitting someone over the head with their wrongs will not make things right. Forgiveness is not a pardon. A pardon comes from authority. Forgiveness comes from love. So, we are discussing the highest form of love, an attitude of love, unconditional love in action. This is the kind of love that sets one free of all past injury.

So often unforgivingness blocks our healing. It is not that we mean to be unforgiving, it is just that it seems to be in our nature to want that pound of flesh, to get even or at least to want the other person to suffer just a little of the pain that has been experienced within the trauma of the drama that obtained. Most of the time we have learned to forgive from the head, understanding that we must forgive to be forgiven. However, real, true and complete forgiveness comes from the heart. When one is hurt deeply within a relationship, the natural response is to protect oneself and shield the heart. So, when dealing with an emotional assault we build a wall around the heart so as to protect it from further injury. This wall is reinforced over time when hurt is compounded, making it impervious to, or at least protected from, the often superficial act of forgiving. Children call this "fake sorrys." Though most of us do not mean to make this kind of "fake sorry," all too often it is the case and that wall around the heart cannot come tumbling down. In fact, what usually happens is that the wall is reinforced and we justify it.

The body/mind complex is a unique and delicately balanced creation. The body resonates to the mind. The mind resonates to the body. When unforgivingness prevails, a hostile frame of reference develops. It interferes with our relationships, all of them, even with our own relationship to self. What is then set up is a condition that can invite any number of relational, physical, psychological and spiritual ailments. When we hold on to just a little of the hurt, or a bit of resentment, or some of the guilt we can block the healing. We have not forgiven from the heart.

Now having said this about unforgivingness, it is important to advise that quick forgiving is not the answer either. One youngster who was abused physically from age two to age twelve by his father said, "I forgive him. I'm a forgiving kid." However, the child frequently had terrifying nightmares about blowing up buildings until the feelings were dealt with at a very deep level. For this little boy and many others talk is cheap. Quick forgiveness is not from the heart and not real because the feelings have not been dealt with.

So, how does one develop this attitude of love, attitude of forgiveness? Developing a new attitude is a matter of practice. It is about creating a new habit. Habit develops over time. It is a process. There are some steps that can be taken to begin to deepen this self-change. The initial step is to admit that change is necessary in my life. Living in denial does not work. There is a five-step process that can be followed to begin to develop this new habit of forgiving from the heart.

The first step is to identify the injury. What actually happened? What patterns of behavior obtained? Begin to form a heightened awareness of your own actions and reactions. Do a thorough self-examination without placing blame. It is healthy when we hate the sin but love the sinner. Even when you are the injured party, you have responsibility in how you are going to let the pain control your life. This is a difficult concept. Erich Fromm tells us that the only thing that cannot be taken away from a person is how he deals with any given situation. We cannot change the world. We can only change our response to it. With that change the world may be in condition to change. By identifying the injury and accepting my responsibility, the trauma will no longer have power over me.

Next, identify your emotions at the time of the injury. Feelings are not right or wrong, good or bad. They are just feelings. Everyone has feelings. We all have come into this world with a full range of emotions. Therefore, if you are not aware of how you feel at any given moment or if you cannot name your emotions, you will first have to do some work on discovering what is going on inside of you. Feelings give information about you upon the instant. You are always feeling something. If one never gets angry, something is wrong. If one is always angry, something is wrong. Feelings come and go. To cope in a healthy way with life and its vicissitudes, it is important to be able to identify your feelings.

Then, share your emotions with someone you trust. Good feeling talk allows you to own your feelings. You never have to act on them. Acting on feelings in an inappropriate manner is the cause of much distress. However, talking about your emotional responses to someone you trust is a very healthy way to cope with the hurt and pain of emotional trauma. Once that is accomplished, you may want to communicate with the other person in an assertive manner. Confrontation is not necessary in forgiving. It is optional and advisable only if you have little to no expectations about the result of the confrontation. Denial is usually rampant in this step. Denial of my emotions can seriously block forgiveness. If I am not open in disclosing my "negative" feelings as well as my "positive" feelings, and if I try to take care of you by not being genuine, then I am not doing the work necessary to forgive from the heart. I can begin by being real with myself. All too often children try to protect their parents or spouses try to protect or manipulate each other by not being real with disclosing their feelings.

You must set clear boundaries. This is to protect yourself and to protect the person who may have hurt you. The purpose of boundaries is to limit hurtful behavior. Too many people grow up in families where the boundaries are either too rigid or too loose. Neither of these conditions is healthy. Boundaries need to be appropriate and flexible. Clear boundaries will take you out of a power struggle. The wall one builds around the heart is not a boundary--it is a block. Boundaries are signals to other people of how you do or do not take care of yourself. Boundaries tell others that they may not hurt you or that they may approach, come close to you. Healthy boundaries are good protection so that the wall around the heart will not be necessary. Sometimes when forgiveness obtains, we need to separate either for a time or permanently from the perpetrator of the injury. Forgiveness does not mean that a condition is created whereby the victim continues to be hurt. Appropriate boundaries say that everyone has value and no one has the right to cause injury to another.

The final step is to forgive. This is a decision of the will to set yourself and the other free. Wish the person well. This is an independent act and not conditioned upon the other person, his will, presence or actions. You desire to let go of the power that any incident or person still holds over you. After dealing with the feelings, you make a conscious choice to send blessings to the person who hurt you. See the destructive behavior, shoulder responsibility and take steps to change what needs to be changed. This action may have to be done more than once. Scripture says to pray for those who despitefully use you. Even though the memory is not erased, forgiveness from the heart is healing.

This process takes time and sometimes requires outside help. Many of us live without taking time to reflect on our attitudes and interactions. Self-examination needs to be undertaken seriously if there is to be a change, a metanoia. It may be necessary to cut to the substratum of hurt and pain to release the guilt and hostility of unforgivingness in order to find suitable bedrock on which to build. The attitude of forgiveness that allows an individual to choose freedom is the cornerstone and can be the beginning of the infrastructure for building a life of wholeness.


Patricia G. Medeiros, MS, MFT