August 2002

Eddy cornered me recently at a family gathering and shared with me that he had never been so happy. "It's because of that girl," he beamed as he nodded toward Emily. One had only to see the look on his face to know he felt loved, cherished. Eddy is 75 and Emily a bit younger. They married late in life and had been together now for several years. At an age when many people shy away from intimacy and relationship, these two were in love and young at heart.

I thought about what makes the difference between this couple and couples that we all observe trudging through life or teetering on the brink of divorce. Eddy and Emily both have experienced difficulties in life; we all do. They are dealing with the infirmities of advanced age and the insecurity of finances. Family stressors and social stressors do not abate because of age and are sometimes more difficult to deal with.

Eddy and Emily have discovered the secret of a truly giving and loving relationship, Self Esteem, Communication, and Forgiveness. These elements are critical in establishing the kind of marriage which fosters respect and growth. Therein lies intimacy. That is where the heart fires keep burning. When a couple can be truly intimate they can play together without all the masks and be real with each other. Taking the masks off can be painful, but not taking them off is fatal.

Self esteem is vital in a relationship because it is through our own sense of self that we view each other and the world around us. Self esteem is fostered in our family of origin initially. Self esteem begins with my acceptance of who God created me to be. Accepting all my short comings, flaws and faults as well as my gifts, all of me. We live in such a negative world that very often it is all too common to accept the negative about myself and minimize the positive. Dr. Suess, that great writer of children's books and philosopher, says that life is a great balancing act. That goes for self esteem too. Often in living out relationships, we do not treat each other as having value.

If you have low or poor self esteem, you may develop patterns of interaction that we label as codependent or behave with victim like characteristics. Usually, if your self esteem is low or bad, you will not be able to ask for what you need. This is a crucial factor in being able to sustain a viable relationship with your spouse. You may not be able to set healthy boundaries with anyone, much less your partner in life. The result is that someone is always invading your space or causing you to "give in" repeatedly. This is important because in a relationship the one that always gives in, usually gets even in some way. This is called passive-aggressive behavior. That behavior is a huge factor in causing friction, frustration and fracture in a marriage. Low self esteem contributes to a whole host of issues that may result in unequal, unhappy or even hostile relationships. Feeling bad about who I am as a person limits my ability to relate and that is supposed to be what marriage is about.

On the other hand, an over inflated view of my self lends to being the "boss" in a relationship. It can lead to demanding one's own way without thought of how the behavior impacts the other. Many with this over zealous sense of self esteem assume that they know what is best for everyone concerned, especially their mate. They too have issues with boundaries because everything is their business. They overstep boundaries constantly. This is demonstrated repeatedly in matters of verbal abuse and the extreme of this is physical or sexual abuse. You may become self centered or even become a victimizer. These individuals also have difficulty in relating because they can never see that if there is a problem, they may be part of it.

These are, of course, two extremes of the attribute. The important thing to remember is that each person has value and that each of us is created in the image and likeness of God. That makes each one an individual of great value. The task is to treat others as you would like to be treated but also to allow room for each to be their own original, unique person within the relationship and room to grow. In fact, one definition of love is: to accept the person just as they are and to create an environment conducive for them to grow.

So, the way we view ourselves and each other has a lot to do with the relationship that we create. Jesus called us friends. God says that we are precious in His sight. He says that we are beautifully and wonderfully made. He loves us with an everlasting love. He says that to each one of us. That means that you have as much value as I have and I have as much as you. We are not esteemed more today than tomorrow or less yesterday. We are esteemed by God. WE ARE ESTEEMED BY GOD! Thus, we must esteem ourselves and each other. If we over or under inflate our value, then we run the risk of being out of balance.

And, if we are out of balance in the esteem component, then that presents problems with our ability to communicate. There are a many reasons that communication is the number one problem in relationships. Psychologists are always writing books on this issue because we are in a great deal of trouble with the way we relate in marriage. One in every two marriages ends in divorce and that includes Christians. Divorce is not restricted to new and immature marriages but also includes many long term marital relationships. What is apparent to me is that self esteem and communication are critically linked. That is, if I feel good about myself and have some skill in talking and listening and you feel good about yourself and have some skill in talking and listening, then we should be able to discuss anything. That is how it ought to work.

Unfortunately, we learn poor patterns of communication in our family of origin and often do nothing to resolve the problem. There are many good books and workshops on learning to communicate, but one of the most important aspects is to be open to change. Often when a couple meets and dates, they chat about everything. Remember when you used to spend hours talking about nothing on the phone with your significant other? Then marriage and something happens. He turns into his dad, a Gary Cooper man of few words. She becomes her mother, the town magpie. What a mess. They set up camp in the house or apartment and never TALK or LISTEN to each other. They forget to show interest in each other. They get involved with making their life, family, home, career and forget that marriage is primarily about each other.

When you go out to dinner next time, spend some time watching other couples. The ones that are engaging with each other in animated conversation are probably not married. The married ones concentrate on their menus, food or looking around, with who knows what thoughts. The married couples have forgotten how to share their hearts, their minds and their lives with each other on a meaningful level. In fact most married couples spend less than five minutes a day talking about their relationship and when they do it is often because they are having an argument about something that never gets resolved.

What happened to listening to each other? What happened to sharing from your heart your hopes, your dreams, your thoughts? Relating with each other often becomes an exercise in automatic pilot rather than risking the real intimacy of communication. And, I might add that if the communication is not good outside the bedroom, it is not unusual that on the other side of the door the communication will also not be too satisfactory. With some skill in learning how to communicate, a marriage can become what God intended it to be, a sanctuary filled with joy, love and peace, even in the midst of a storm. Couples are to bear each other's burdens and share each other's joy's. To do this, there must be a mutuality and an openness to each other.

You see, if you hold value for yourself and for your partner and you have skill in communicating, then there are no problems that cannot be resolved. This means that respect of each other is a valued virtue and that you are willing to take the masks off. The masks that we hold on to get in the way of being real with each other. Without masks you are open and ready to work together to deal with each surprise that life brings. A masquerade party can be fun occasionally, but living with a mask on diminishes the ability to have honest fun together and abolishes true intimacy.

This brings us to forgiveness. There can be no real relationship without forgiveness. Two people cannot live together in perpetual harmony for an unspecified time without rubbing the other wrong sooner or later. Now I have heard of people who never have a harsh word with each other. This is rare, but it can happen. More likely though, there are feelings hurt along the way. Some hurts are small and chronic, some large and loom overhead like impending doom. Whatever the problem, there must be resolution. God is very clear in his word that forgiveness is not optional. He tells us in Scripture that we can be angry but are not supposed to sin and that the sun should not go down upon our anger. Clearly His expectation is that we resolve issues and let the emotional residue dissipate. What happens much of the time is that the emotion is stored to be used at a more effective time in order to get or gain control. We learn to hold resentments in order to assure ourselves that we will not be hurt, harassed, or humiliated again. Not good in a marriage or any other relationship.

In a marital relationship, the closest most intimate relationship we have save our interaction with the Lord, we need to find a way to forgive and move on. This is where self esteem and healthy communication connect most dramatically. Taking off the masks that have served so well in so many ways throughout life is essential if one is to stand before their mate and be vulnerable enough to truly repent and truly forgive. Asking, receiving, and giving forgiveness is showing the highest form of love to each other.

A lesson from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is helpful here. Step 9 says to make direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Translated that means it is not all right to dump something on your spouse to clear your conscience if it will hurt them. There are means to do that kind of moral housekeeping. Forgiveness, as we are talking about, means that I will try to be honest and remove my own short comings in this relationship. I will try to work with you to resolve the unresolved and to solve the things we can solve. I will accept you with all your warts, wrinkles and shortcomings and I hope that you will accept me too. My obligation in this relationship is to try to be the best I can be for you and for me. This implies that without those masks and with sincerity I must continue to be open to learn and grow. Is all of this possible? It is! Change takes time and effort.

If your heart fire has cooled, if the respect is weak, if the play has ended and you are not real with each other……you need to take an inventory. How do I feel about myself? How well do my spouse and I communicate? Have we really forgiven each other 70 times 7? Heart fires need to be rekindled when they are low lest they burn out completely. Take a lesson from Eddy and Emily.


Patricia G. Medeiros, MS, MFT