June to July 2002

The second grade teacher sent Justin to see the counselor because he could not sit still, would not follow directions, was constantly disrupting the classroom, and seemed to be a very angry young man, always fighting with his classmates. Justin was on a behavior contract but he needed something more. The teacher was out of ideas and out of patience. "Can you help Justin," was her plea.

In our schools, public or private, we want children to be successful. Part of being successful is to learn how to follow directions, obey the rules, and treat others with respect. Justin was not feeling very successful. As a result he was not successful with the academics of second grade either.

When a child comes to see the counselor the first task is to build rapport and get to know him or her. From years of experience the first question is, "Who do you live with?" This is because families are so fragmented today that in many communities it is not the norm for a child to live in an intact family.

In one breath Justin replied, "I live with my auntie and my grandma. My sister lives with her boyfriend. My little brother and sisters live with my mother in another house and my daddy was killed by the police when I was in my mommy's tummy." WHEW!!! What a lot to get off his chest. It turned out that the sister, from a different father, dropped out of school when she was just 16. Justin's father, who was never married to Justin's mother, had been shot by the police in some gang related drug deal. Mom had three younger children by a man who had long since left town. The three young siblings lived on and off in foster care as mom was in and out of either drug rehab or jail. Justin had the good fortune to be able to live with his aunt and grandmother. Justin had to deal with all this family stuff in addition to the academic and social requirements of being seven years old.

One story among so many. We each have a story. Some are not so dramatic as Justin's story. Others are much more painful. Life has a way of continuing the breaking while we are at the same time in the palm of God's hand. Yet, Justin and you and I have to find a way through the brokenness of this world. A little seven year old has to come to grips with his mother being away, having never known his father, living without his siblings and with other problems over which he has no control. You see Justin was also a drug baby, born with a positive drug screen, and that left it's lasting scars upon his brain and his behavior.

Yet, God knows each story. Scripture says that each hair on Justin's head, or yours is counted. And, if one has lost them all, that is known too. God knows when a sparrow falls to the ground, it says in the Bible. Scripture tells us that Jesus sent the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, to be with us so that we can know that we are not abandoned. What great comfort these words are. But, it is at the juncture of this HOPE and the reality of one's own life story that we must ask, "Who am I in God's eye? What must I learn? How am I to grow?" Within a broken life, at seventy or even at the tender age of seven, it is not an easy task.

The healing and miracles that God has for us often require movement on our side. Justin needed to feel better about himself so he had to work on positive self talk to change his perceptions of who he really was meant to be. He needed to learn some strong coping skills because he was just a little boy that had so very much heartache to carry. His anger, which was generalized to the world or anything that seemed to threaten him, was used as a weapon against being hurt again. Appropriate ways to express his feelings, especially anger, were a priority for Justin. Boundaries were non existent in his family and handicapped his interaction with other children. The teacher, the aunt and the counselor worked together to find tasks that he could complete in order to help give him some sense of accomplishment. He had to learn about consequences for his behavior, both good and bad, and develop a sense of responsibility so that he could feel empowered. There were so many other issues that needed to be addressed as well. Role models were few in that family, but there were some good friends that were called upon to mentor this little boy.

In each of our stories there are things that Christ calls us to do. We need to examine our lives not only for repentance of sin but also for the broken parts that we need to deal with. Those questions are not rhetorical, they are essential. Just who am I in God's eye? We need to examine just what kind of perception we have of ourselves. Am I really a child of the King? Can I really believe that God is good and all powerful? Does God really love me? Can God really love me fully in all my brokenness? Is God able to see beyond the messed-up, ugly brokenness of my life?

Spiritually we are taught that our purpose is to know God, love God and serve God. But we are often so damaged that we feel unable or incapable of the kind of relationship that the Father wants to have with us. Our knowing, loving, and serving seems so pitifully insignificant and without value because we feel insignificant and valueless. Sometimes the pain and dysfunction of life is so great that there is no real idea about what I am to learn or how I am to grow. Many times family relationships and the milieu that obtained in the family of origin distorts how I view myself, others and the world around me. Therefore, to grow in Christ, to become whole and holy, it is essential that I begin a journey of inwardness and begin to deal with the interior rooms within the earthly tent in which I live.

In this journey there are not less questions; there are more. What am I feeling? How do I want to respond to that feeling? How do I deal with anger? The children use a wonderful phrase, "WWJD". Translated that is, "What Would Jesus Do?" How deep are my relationships? Can I set boundaries? Why are boundaries necessary? What can I do to change the way I communicate? How can I recognize God's presence in my life? How can I see God in this brokenness? The list is limitless. The challenge is to become the best I can be so that I may truly know, love and serve the Creator. At the same time I must live in the crux of the Cross of Hope in Christ Jesus and the reality of the brokenness of my story.

Justin dropped out of school this year; he was in the eleventh grade. He did learn how to deal with the anger. He has had some fine role models and is much more responsible than he used to be. He has not completed his journey. There is still much for him to learn, many ways for him to grow. He still has not come to know who he is in God's eye. Not yet! Have you?


Patricia G. Medeiros, MS, MFT